


Who Knows This Morning What Will Happen Tonight?

by HungLikeARainbro



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Angst, M/M, Oral Sex, Some Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 15:03:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7689163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HungLikeARainbro/pseuds/HungLikeARainbro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Rimmer dies in ‘Timeslides’, he discovers afterwards that there was more than just one difference between the timelines.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Last Human

**Author's Note:**

> I am moving my old fanfiction from FF.net to AO3 and will be creating new work soon. This was originally uploaded 07/11/2004.
> 
> Normal text - current events  
>  **Bold text - Rimmer's diary**  
>  ** _Bold italic - past events within the context of the diary_**
> 
> Exceptions are the quotes at the beginning of each chapter. They are not part of the diary.

**Everything is true just as it is: Why dislike it? Why hate it? - _Zen saying_**

Have you ever tried to imagine the darkness of space? That never-ending infinity of stars and cosmic dust? The universe stretching above, beyond and below you. It's quite difficult but I'll teach you how you can gain further knowledge of everything about you.

Close your eyes.

You're a dumbass.

Ah-ah! If you'd closed your eyes like I told you, you wouldn't have seen that. Try again and close your eyes. If you're in a light room you'll see darkness, but not true darkness. Your vision will be slightly greyed. Perhaps a hint of purple will be creeping through.

Close your eyes tighter. It is blacker, but you'll get blocks of red and orange light. Your eyes cannot perceive true darkness. Can never see pure black. You look into the night sky and it seems black and ominous, but it's actually a very dark blue. The universe is far darker.

But it's not black.

The colour of space is on an entirely different spectrum. Holly discovered this when she was approximately 1,000,630 years old, and still male. 1,000,630 years old was very old, even for a computer of her status. She had an I.Q. of 6,000 (supposedly) and she was created to guide a mining ship named Red Dwarf from a planet called Jupiter in a galaxy known to its inhabitants as the Milky Way.

Intelligence of species is exactly relative to the distance from the centre of the universe. The nearer the edge you are, the smarter your species is. The Milky Way was practically dead centre.

So Holly was only relatively clever. She knew pi to three thousand places, but had no idea what offside was. The information mysteriously disappeared from her data banks when she acquired a female visage and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't upload it ever again. Her circuits shorted. 

Thus, Holly and her intelligent, but slightly nutty, computer brain continued to float in space. She named the colour of space Vermillion: Version 2. It was nothing like vermillion, but as her name was Holly and red was the colour of holly berries it seemed a good idea.

Her insanity grew with time. It blossomed from loneliness. Her creators had died long ago.

***

The species that created her only lived for as long as around one hundred of their planet's rotations around its star. Their planet was Earth, the third one from the star known to them as the Sun.

The species was stupid. In its futile attempts to be clever, it had inadvertently destroyed its own planet. So, most flew away to live on and destroy the other planets in the Milky Way. This species called themselves humans, though feminist marches during a week in the 21st century had demanded the word be changed to hupersons. The word human stayed and the women ate chocolate and watched the television show 'Will and Grace' until their periods ended and they forgot all about it. At least that’s how the men reported it. In reality it wasn’t so much a march as a gathering and they were happy with the word people. Hupersons was made up online a few hour later and Photoshopped onto the protest signs.

Holly had missed her humans when they died. They were annoying, but lovable, like a really hyperactive, incontinent puppy. They were on a routine trip around the galaxy when a Cadmium II radiation leak killed them all.

Except for one. He stood quite happily, frozen in time in a stasis machine. Holly left him in there until the radiation was at a suitable level.

It took three million years.

When he came out she had a lovely surprise for him. All his colleagues were dead. His friends were dead. His ex-girlfriend and love of his adult life was dead. The man he hated most aboard the ship was dead and had been brought back as a hologram. His beloved pet cat had incestuously bred over the three million years he was in stasis and had evolved into a self-absorbed and vain humanoid species of which there were only two left.

David Lister, the last human, was less than thrilled.

***

These misfits travelled together for a couple of years and gained a new companion in the form of a sanitation mechanoid with self-nullifying behaviour traits. During these years, David Lister lived and loved and lost.

He gave birth to twin boys and sent them away to live with their mother-father for their own safety.

His new cat slept and cleaned his suits; the other one died shortly after being found.

The hologram formally known as Arnold Rimmer buried himself in loathing and feelings of worthlessness.

Holly grew bored of her male form and opted for a pretty but dopier face; a change which had both its good and points. She forgot why golf was a great sport, but she suddenly knew the differences between the plots of the Catherine Cookson novels.

One day they discovered a way to travel through time. Some developing fluid for photographs had mutated to become something with the ability to fully animate the moments captured. By entering these in the form of projection slides, Lister found he could visit himself in the past and he persuaded his teenage self to change his future. Rimmer then found himself alone (with the exception of Holly) as without Lister, the Cat never evolved and they never rescued Kryten, a sanitation mechanoid.

Enraged by Lister's success, he went to visit his younger self to try and change his own past. Nothing ever went as Rimmer planned and he remained on Red Dwarf, but at the very least managed to get his comrades back. "So nothing's different?" he asked Holly as the others walked away from him in disgust at his selfish deed.

"Hang on a sec, something IS different. According to my data banks you're not dead."

"What?!" Rimmer felt his head. The little 'H' all holograms wore to define themselves as un-dead was gone.

He groped with exaltation the objects around him. He was alive.

He was no longer a light-projected image hovering around. He was _alive_.

He almost jigged down the corridor and touched everything he could find, breathing in the scent of metal and stale air with orgasmic joy. He was ALIVE.

He danced down a corridor filled with boxes of explosives. And died again.


	2. Bodily-Impaired

**We come from not being and march toward not being: nothing between two nothings, zero between two zeros, and since between two nothings nothing can be, let's drink to the splendour of our not being our bodies. - _Julia De Burgos_**

"Rimmer...?"

"Mr Rimmer, sir?"

"Hey, smeg-head!"

"Sssh Cat, he's waking up."

Rimmer knew those voices. His eyes opened but at first he could not see anything. Suddenly he began to focus on his surroundings and there they were. The faces behind the voices. They were familiar like a childhood song long forgotten and hummed for no reason during a mundane task. Somehow he knew them. Who _were_ they?

Ah! A name sprang to mind. Arnold Rimmer. No, no... That was _his_ name. _He_ was Arnold Rimmer. He was a technician. He was on a mining ship from Jupiter called the Red Dwarf. The man to his left was David Lister and the man on his right was a humanoid evolved from cats and the man in front of him was a Series 4000 MechanoidcalledKrytenandtherewasacomputercalledHollyanditwas3millionyearsintothefutureandeveryonewasdeadand-

"My apologies, Mr Rimmer. It'll take a while for your memories to collect and sort themselves out. You could suffer a thought overload so try not to think about anything."

"He's used to doing that!" the Cat grinned. Lister was led aside by Kryten for a quiet private word. "Sir, I think it is best that we don't tell him he's dead and that he's a hologram, not for a while."

"What d'ya think will be his first clue? That he can walk through stuff or that he's not breathing?"

"Seriously sir, you know how easily panicked he is." Lister nodded and didn't notice when Holly cropped up on the wall beside him. "Actually Dave, he's been dead for the past two years."

"Eh?" Lister spun round, glancing over at Rimmer who was already up and waving his arms disappointedly through objects watching as his image disappeared momentarily with each passing. He certainly seemed more dejected than shocked or afraid by his predicament.

"Earlier with the time-slides when you lot were messing about - when we started he was dead. But when we came back he was alive."

"I'm afraid I'm not quite following you," said Kryten.

"Well alright, first you guys were just messing about with Hitler and holiday snaps. Then Dave went back in time to make his 17-year-old self invent the tension sheet. So 'course he became rich and famous and Rimmer couldn't stand it so he went back to try and make himself the inventor, but it all went belly-up and when we came back he was suddenly alive."

Kryten nodded his head verily, "...I'm still not following."

"So, Rimmer is from a different timeline?"

"We both are. It's very peculiar," she hummed and hawed. "Don't quite know what to make of it. But in our timeline he was dead. I've had a look about and it seems to be the only difference."

"Yeah, we both went into stasis coz Hollister didn't want him disrupting any more exams. When we came out we found out everyone had been killed because someone wrote down that Rimmer was going to fix the drive plate. They forgot he was still in stasis."

"Why didn't you bring back someone as a hologram if Rimmer wasn't one?"

"He hid all the discs when we kept fighting over who we wanted to bring back." Of course, thought Holly. "So, our history with you is different? Did I get pregnant in your time?"

"Yeah, and you and Rimmer fought all the time and the Cat only thought about himself and Kryten was everyone's au banana."

"You mean _au pair_ , ma'am."

"Right, and I'm still a few sticks short of a campfire," she said, seemingly undeterred by this. Lister watched as Rimmer accepted his second death with a deep sigh, and he could almost feel what little hope and joy Rimmer still possessed trickling away.

"Sorry, Rimmer, I really am," Lister offered. Rimmer just glared at him with unfamiliar, angry eyes and walked off out of the room and down the corridor. They all listened for a moment until they heard the Star Trek swish of the doors down at Rimmer and Lister's room. "Thought so," Lister sighed, "he's gone to sulk."

"Well he has just died again, sir."

"He's got to learn to be more positive. Being dead isn't that bad. He should think of it as being, I dunno, bodily-impaired."

"Wasn't he bodily-impaired before?" the Cat quipped and dodged a small swipe from Lister. 

"Very funny, Cat."

Kryten said, "Well he did seem a little bit jollier these past few months. Though technically... though technically, it never happened in his mind."

It dawned on Kryten that the Arnold Rimmer lying in his bunk down the hall was not the one he knew from that morning. It was the one he first met. "Permission to feel discouraged, sir?"

Lister granted it.


	3. Amber Light

**An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while a pessimist sees only the red stoplight... The truly wise person is colour-blind. - _Albert Schweitzer_**

To anyone watching David Lister as he stood and leant lazily against the glass of the observation dome on top of the Red Dwarf, he would have seemed a carefree sort of chap. His eyes, though sad, were twinkling with a doubtless optimism: everything would turn out all right if he only tried or if he trusted luck. And yet life for him had been continuously hard.

He was abandoned as a baby in a box under a pool table in the Aigburth Arms Pub, Liverpool, England on planet Earth; the slum of the galaxy. His adoptive parents, Mr and Mrs Wilmot died when he was young and he flitted from mindless job to mindless job before stumbling across the Red Dwarf. No qualifications were needed for the lower ranking positions and it docked at Earth during its journey. Lister had currently been living on Mimas stealing taxis and giving lifts to shady characters. It was how he met Rimmer.

He boarded the ship but quickly found out that it would be another three years before he got back to Earth. Lister was almost destroyed by this news. Then he met Kristine Kochanski and his life found meaning. She wasn't beautiful, but she was smart and pretty and she had a bright, infectious smile and he fell in love immediately. When they broke up, he crumbled.

But he blindingly convinced himself they would get back together, even when he saw her with her ex-boyfriend Tom at the bar. Even now he clung to this conviction. Three million years after she had died and flying through space inconceivably far away from Earth, he was sure he would be married to her and living in Fiji on Earth some day with their future twin sons, Jim and Bexley by the time he was 30, give or take a few years.

But deep down he knew it was impossible. He would not live the three million year journey back. A parallel universe would not hold the Earth and Kochanski he knew. If they found they could go back in time, it would be to a different timeline and he would never go into the future to come back so that was impossible. His head hurt if he tried to think about, and so he carried on in his blissful ignorance.

Rimmer was the only one who ever reminded him there was nothing to go back to. That if Earth still existed, it was probably a garbage planet full of rotting nappies, dead pet hamsters and Jim Davidson records. Rimmer kept Lister from going insane by bringing him crashing back to reality. From truly believing in his wild dreams.

"That's why Holly brought him back as a hologram in the other timeline," Lister said out loud to himself. His pessimism balanced with Lister's optimism and created a comfortable realism. He supposed that was why, despite their huge character differences, they were friends. And why, though they hated each other, they...

"Mr Lister, sir? Mr Rimmer seems to be feeling better. He's rearranging his 20th century telegraph pole files." Lister's train of thought was derailed and he waved Kryten away so he could get back on track, and so Kryten left obediently.

"Wait! Kryten?"

"Sir?"

"Should I tell him?"

"Probably not, sir." Lister's mouth twisted sideways and he chewed his bottom lip thoughtfully.

Kryten was right but Lister knew there was one very important difference between their timelines that would eventually drag its way into the open. If he was in Rimmer's place, would he want to know? Most definitely not.

It didn't bother him now, of course not. That would be stupid. But if the elderly future echo of himself he saw lying on his bunk had told him what he now knew, he'd have probably killed himself.

Or Rimmer.


	4. Awakening

**Is death the last sleep? No, it is the last and final awakening. - _Sir Walter Scott_**

The gentle humming of machinery and gears lulled Rimmer to sleep and he did not stir for several hours. Dying took a lot out of him and he hoped he wouldn't have to do it again in a hurry. His dreams went uninterrupted and he did not remember them, even moments after they played in his head. He awoke slightly groggy and wondered what to do for the rest of his death. He made do with the pointless task of rearranging his 20th century telegraph pole pictures into alphabetical order, instead of chronological. And then by geographical location. 

He was aware of Kryten when he walked past the doorway and stopped to observe Rimmer and the skutters looking for London Street, Southampton's group of poles, but he did not look up.

He heard the Cat dance past looking for fish and ladies, and more preferably a fish-lady. He did not look up.

A pair of grotty trainers plodded up to him and past towards the bunks. This time Rimmer looked up from his work to watch Lister take the running leap into his bunk. He judged the gap wrongly and caught his back against the top of the opening. Lister groaned and gently patted his back with his fingers and drew his hand back with a wince. There was going to be a huge graze there.

Rimmer blew out a long and bored snort of air and shook his head at Lister. Lister said, "I'm going to sleep."

"I'll tell the skutters not to turn the pages too loudly," he scoffed.

Lister didn't care and concentrated on falling asleep. It was early for him - 7am to be precise - but he felt inexplicably tired. Perhaps because he hadn't had his usual nightcap of a beer and an onion bhaji. It was while he was thinking of delicious curry house food that he drifted off to sleep. His nose buried deep inside of the bottom edge of the pillow and his head tilted down so that he could breathe noisily through his mouth. The sound echoed from the hard mattress and bounced around the bunk. Rimmer wished that holograms could have an auditory volume control.

***

The skutters went on strike an hour or so later. Fed up with sorting out Rimmer's files, they all ganged together without prior discussion and wheeled away. Rimmer at once protested and the last skutter out gave him the one-finger salute before speeding away. Rimmer, flabbergasted, sat back down and kicked at the files. His foot merged cleanly with them and he kicked even harder in his frustration. On a strange level he hoped that the more determined and angry he was, the more likely he'd be able to actually hit something. He eventually concluded that he was not Patrick Swayze and gave up solemnly. 

"Good morning, sir!" Kryten said in an annoyingly chipper tone as he passed by.

"No, it's not a good morning. In fact it's the total and utter opposite of a good morning in that it is a very _bad_ morning."

Kryten said nothing in reply, but entered the room and looked over at the sleeping Lister with a warm, affectionate gaze. "Has Mr Lister been asleep for very long?"

"How would I know? An hour, maybe two." Rimmer raised an eyebrow at Kryten's tense stance. He glanced guiltily from Lister to Rimmer and back again repeatedly. "What's gotten into you, you overgrown Robo-sapien?"

"Nothing at all, Mr Rimmer." Kryten paused. "Except..."

"Except what?"

"I'm just curious as to how different our timelines were. Holly said you were rather bitter and felt alienated because you couldn't touch anything."

"I felt very useless indeed, but I'm used to that. When have I ever been needed or wanted?" Rimmer said, a thick coat of disparagement running over the sentence. It suddenly occurred to him that here, with a body and as the highest ranking member he must have had it pretty sweet. If no one would do something, he could do it himself. He would have been completely self-reliant. If Lister hummed all night or began to play his guitar during his work he could have walked up to him and boxed his ears.

What could Lister do - send him to the Captain's office for punishment? Ha! It was laughable. In fact, Rimmer did laugh at this merry thought and Kryten thought him quite mad for it. "Sir? Do you need to lie down?"

"No, no."

"Well, I just thought you should know you _are_ needed. To keep Mr Lister sane. That's why Holly brought you back."

"I thought it was her idea of a sick joke. We're miserable around each other."

"You both seemed happy here, especially after-" he clapped his hands to his mouth and shook his head in horror at what nearly tumbled out. Rimmer got up and walked over to Kryten and stood in front of him menacingly. His one advantage in confrontations (and they seldom occurred for Rimmer was normally kicking up a dust cloud before the other guy could say "Oi, you!") was his impressive height which he used to full when up against potential enemies or to impose anyone he needed information from. He stretched his neck and toes and towered over Kryten who continued to shake his head fearfully.

"Seemed happy after what?"

"I'm sorry sir, that information is strictly classified."

"Tell me or your groinal attachment and Lister's fish tank will become very acquainted."

"Alrighty then..." Kryten began. "You and Mr Lister were rather close here."

Rimmer's eyes narrowed as he said, "Define close."

"Physically close."

"Physically close? How do you mean _physically_ close?"

Kryten clawed at his face in his desperation to avoid giving it to Rimmer straight, no pun intended. He peeked out between two fingers and mumbled, "You used to have r-r-relations. O-only when you were bored or desperate, you two used to say."

What? Rimmer couldn't imagine any situation where he would be desperate enough or bored enough to do something like that. He felt a bit ill and sank down back onto the chair. His eyes flitted wildly around the room, settling only for a moment before darting across to rest on something else. Rimmer was loath to concentrate on any detail of the room lest the moment feel less surreal.

This was a dream. This was a dream and he was going to wake up... now. Now. NOW!

His eyes burned with anguish and he tried to keep them away from the top bunk of the room. They finally won and his sight travelled up the ladder and halted at Lister's snoring head. He was turned the other way now and his dreadlocks drooped casually down the side. Rimmer's look moved down from his head and along his back and... he shuddered at himself for not stopping sooner.

"Mr Rimmer, are you alright?"

Rimmer blinked a few times before answering in a sleepwalking tone, "Fine. Just dandy. Never better, Kryters."

Kryten knew he was in a bad way. Rimmer would never under any normal circumstance refer to him with a kindly nickname. Sensing he had done a very bad thing in blabbing about Rimmer's past, Kryten backed out of the room and went to insert a bazookoid into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Rimmer lay down in his bunk and went to sleep even though it was only 9 o'clock in the morning. Sleep-world was the best place to think logically about his quandary.


	5. Feigning Ignorance

**To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up. - _Oscar Wilde_**

Lister awoke around noon-ish feeling very thirsty, having missed out on his beer before going to sleep. He pushed his body out of the bunk legs first and fell to the ground in a lazy heap. He rubbed his head sleepily and noticed Rimmer lying in his bunk. Lister lifted up his trouser leg to check the watch strapped on his ankle. Well, it wasn't night again, that was for certain. Why on Earth was Rimmer asleep again?

Lister was not one to ponder over anything for long, especially if it concerned Rimmer and he thought no more about it. He got his beer from the fridge and threw it down his throat gratefully. The coldness of it shocked him awake and he knew there wasn't much point in going back to sleep for a while with a cool drink sitting in his belly. He looked around for something to do. 

Two years flying through space almost alone had refined Lister's great gift for finding things to do to pass the time. Especially as, as a child, he'd had few toys and had made do with those, a little imagination and any other things he could find to create a game.

Lister's favourite game from his boyhood was 'Operation: Destroy' and he continued to love it as an adult (a broad term). Almost any child quickly learns the immense destructive power of a magnifying glass and a hot sunny day. Lister had a whole ship filled with dangerous machines and weapons to play with and easily reverted to a mischievous boy-like state when given a target or a victim. Right now, his target was Rimmer's 20th century telegraph pole files.

But O! What to do with them! Fire was so cliché and he'd used the microwave to death.

"Hmm, haven't used the bazookoids for a while..."

***

Surprised was an understatement for Kryten's reaction as Lister snatched the bazookoid from his mouth. "What're you doing?"

"Well, I would have done it earlier, sir, but I didn't want to leave you with all the chores and washing to do."

"But WHY were you trying to kill yourself?"

"Mr Rimmer knows, sir. He knows and it's all my fault!" 

Lister tried to speak but his answer came out in a strangled sort of squeak and he held his head moaning, "No no no no no no no..." Kryten wailed further apologies and reinserted the bazookoid into his mouth. Lister tugged it back and heaved a sigh. "Look, I know you're sorry. But there's no point in shooting yerself - what's done is done."

"But sir, I broke your trust. How can you ever forgive me?"

"Well... You know your favourite episode of 'Androids' where ZX-12 marries Maiden Yuu Essay?"

"Yes, sir."

"I taped over it last week by accident. So now we're even!" Lister concluded and legged it before the speechlessly angry Kryten finished pondering over whether Silicon Heaven was worth going to over being allowed to kill humans who tape over fantastic soap operas.

***

Such a delicate situation had not arisen in Lister's life since his overweight champion wrestler aunt had asked him if her white string-bikini looked alright. He was still visiting the chiropractor's four years later. 

Rimmer knew. Rimmer knew and he hadn't said anything so far because he'd chosen to sleep his worries away. Lister had peeked in on him about an hour after Kryten told him he knew and Rimmer was still fast asleep. Lister exhaled his fear-held breath in relief and went to the cinema to think about it all over a film. The moment he entered the room the flashbacks hit him and he clung to the wall to steady his swaying body. The cinema was where...

He sucked in the warm popcorn scented air and rubbed his forehead wearily. This was not a good place to think. Nowhere was. There was no escaping the memories; the fun, the passion and the hurt. He would have to face Rimmer. And there was no time like the present.

***

Lister groaned and smacked his head against the wall when he saw that Rimmer was wide awake and waiting for him on the metal table chair. He'd hoped that for this, there was no time like the very distant future.

"Why so glum, Listy? You look like you've just been told your IQ is less than a dying rabbit that's gone catatonic."

Lister got an idea. A very sneaky one. He would pretend he knew nothing about anything and let Rimmer bring up the topic. "Oh, just been talking with Kryten."

"And?"

"And apparently I have to wear these boxers for another week because he hasn't fixed the holes in my others yet. Have er, have _you_ spoken to Kryten at all today?"

Great, thought Rimmer. How am I supposed to make _him_ bring this awkward topic up. Rimmer got an idea. A very good and sneaky one, if he did say so himself. His eyes glittered evilly at Lister. "Actually, Lister, I was rather hoping you would do me a favour."

"A favour? What kind of favour?"

"Oh nothing much. It's just I'd rather like to find out a little about myself here. Whether or not I was any different. So I was wondering if you would read my diary to me, as I can't pick it up myself."

Lister displayed a look of mock horror and gasped camply, "But that's your private and personal journal!"

"Oh smeg off, Lister. I know you've read it," Rimmer said and crossed his legs impatiently. "Go on then." Lister walked over to the bookcase and picked up the scruffy chewed diary with various chutney stains from where he'd sneaked off to read it with the Cat; and they'd had a good old giggle over it. "How'd you know I've read it?"

Rimmer rolled his eyes and didn't justify him with an answer, "Just read it. Start on the first day we come out of stasis."

"This is Captain Arnold J. Pick-my-nose on Smeg Date: 69. Today I worshipped at my Lister Altar before basking in his magnificence in person."

"Shut up, Lister! It doesn't start like that at all." Lister shot Rimmer a charismatically cheeky grin and started the diary properly.


	6. Open Heart

**Restless man's mind is,  
** **So strongly shaken**  
**In the grip of the senses:**  
**Gross and grown hard**  
**With stubborn desire**  
**For what is worldly.**  
**How shall he tame it? truly, I think**  
**The wind is no wilder. - _Bhagavad Gita_**

The first year was incredibly boring and Lister strived to persuade Rimmer to skip ahead until something interesting happened. Rimmer refused and Lister read until his voice became hoarse and his throat was as dry as if he had a mouth full of crackers. Rimmer disguised his boredom, determined that Lister should do his bidding and read until the secret came out, no pun intended.

Their arguments were told in excruciating detail, much like Rimmer's 'Risk' games and Lister noticed for the first time that Rimmer kept a tally in the back of the journal of who won which fight. There were mostly ties; obviously times when Rimmer just would not concede defeat. Lister's pregnancy was mostly skimmed over and Lister remembered how busy Rimmer had been organising the birth, and the way the kids would be raised, and persuading him not to eat his own bodyweight in prawn crackers smothered in salad cream. There was little time to sit back with a diary and write a decent account of the day.

On the day of the birth, Rimmer simply wrote "Never again." Tell me about it, Lister thought, I was the one in agony, you git. Then came the discovery of Kryten's battered torso:

**I told Lister to leave Kryten where he was but the man is insufferable. He is convinced he can rebuild a robot that was technologically mastered years after he was frozen in time. What an idiot. I've left him to it. Nothing much I can do but point and laugh at him when he fails, like my brothers used to do to me. This should be fun.**

Lister continued to the next day:

**I think Lister is cracking up. I think I'M cracking up! I was going for my morning jog and I found him taking parts of Kryten up to the garage. Well, he must have slipped on some oil because once I had gone past I heard an almighty crash and Lister began cursing worse than my mother after a few sherries at Christmas. I ran back and he was throwing legs and arms and all sorts against the wall and crying in frustration.**

**He heard me approach and stopped, then fell on the floor crying even harder and covered his face with his hands. I wasn't quite sure what to do so I just sat down next to him and picked up a few pieces of Kryten. One was an arm and the moment I touched it the index finger moved and it scared me to death. Lister looked up from his hands and laughed at me so I could tell he was feeling better already. Then he put his head on my shoulder and started crying again. I asked him what was wrong and I could just about work out that he was muttering about Jim and Bexley.**

**I assume he's still feeling down about that. I must admit I miss the little smegs too. So I just let him cry on my shoulder and I put my arm around him and we stayed like that for 23.57 minutes before I realised I was late for my afternoon push-ups. I made my excuses and left, and last I saw of Lister he was picking Kryten up again. It's 2 o'clock in the morning and he hasn't come out of the garage yet.**

**I hate to say this, but I'm actually worried about him.**

The diary continued the same as it had started until Lister came to 'Gazpacho Day'.

"What's wrong?"

"Three days are missing."

"When does it start again?" Rimmer asked anxiously.

"November 28th," said Lister and began to read again, a knowing smile on his face. He rubbed the left side of his face thoughtfully as he resumed.

**You may have wondered where I've been these past few days. I'm going to tell you and I hope to Io that some alien species doesn't find this diary, or they'll laugh me off the face of the universe.**

**It all began on Gazpacho Soup Day. We were all watching one of Lister's mushy films. Kryten left about an hour into it to sweep a few decks and the Cat made a feeble excuse about having to clean his clothes and hurried off. So for some reason I felt compelled to stay with Lister as he bawled over the love and honour and all those other sick-making qualities these old black and white movies have. I was merely thankful that Lister had made no soup comments, especially after I drunkenly told him about the Captain's table incident a few months ago.**

**The film finally ended and Lister was still sobbing like a little schoolgirl with a scraped knee. I told him to get over himself; that it was just a film. "You've got no soul, Rimmer. Not a single ounce of niceness or love resides in that tiny heart of yours," he told me.**

**"Is it any wonder? The last time my mother held me was when the doctors were trying to give me my B.C.G. injection," I replied.**

**"Family isn't the only place you can find love. I don't have a family and I was fine coz I let people in and I let people take me in. You want love, I know you do Rimmer. Everyone does. You just seem so bitter and pessimistic that you can’t give any of yours away and so you don't get any in return," was his retort.**

**"I love lots of things," I assured him. "Fine art, a good book read by an open fire, an expensive cigar." He wiped away his tears and explained that he meant people. "Oh like people deserve anything. Where has YOUR love gotten you? Kochanski dumped you, your pet Cat would rather lick the Pope's genitalia than hang around with you and everyone else you loved is dead. Love's really on our side, Lister. (!)"**

**"Just because it's Gazpacho Day doesn't mean you have to make everyone else feel like crap too." I went ballistic when Lister said that and I hit him.**

**Actually HIT him in the face with a clenched fist. He staggered back and said, "You hit me!"**

**Well, I was a little afraid after my initial adrenalin rush had gone and I know Lister could easily take me in a fight so I began to apologise A LOT.**

**"You hit me!" he yelled again and I apologised until the word 'sorry' began to lose meaning. "That was really good, Rimmer, where'd you learn to do that?" That question had me stumped for two reasons a) Where HAD I learnt how to hit? and b) Why was Lister congratulating me for it?**

**"Doesn't your hand hurt?" he asked and it was only then that I realised it was in agony and throbbing like mad. I took him down to the medibay and gave him a few butterfly stitches where I'd caught his face with my cufflink and it seemed I was forgiven. Then I soaked my own hand under the cold water tap and it seemed alright.**

**Lister was impressed I hadn't broken a finger as he said I'd caught him right on the bone line. He told me I must have placed my thumb correctly when I'd made the fist but I've no idea what I did. I just did it automatically. I felt very primal and manly. He went off on his own and I kept my hand under the tap a while longer. When my hand felt better I dried it and put a bandage on it for support then I went to find Lister to apologise.**

**I'll admit to you and only you that I am slightly jealous of Lister's open mind and heart. Sometimes he comes across as being a little gullible in thinking like that, but he has street smarts mixed in with his empathy for others. He's the smart kind of romantic and I needed to tell him that I didn't really think as I said I did. I was walking up to our room when I saw that the cinema had a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the handle.**

**Call me Pandora, but I just had to find out why.**

**I opened the door and the whole screen was filled with hardcore pornography. I knew exactly who was responsible for it and I could see his dreadlocked little head in the 3rd row from the front. I marched down to tell him off and when I got to his seat I realised why it said 'Do Not Disturb' on the door. "I can't believe you're using a public cinema to watch pornography and masturbate," I ranted at him.**

**"It's so much better on a large screen with surround sound and anyway we're the only public, Rimmer. You hardly ever come in here."**

**"Oh and I'll bet you COME in here everyday!" I said, secretly horrified by my own bad pun. I was determined not to let Lister win the argument so I went to the back row and watched the film just to prove some point. I'm not even sure what it was anymore. I don't normally bother with cinemas as they're filthy but Kryten kept this one in good nick. Not surprising with the secretions and messes he had to deal with now Lister had found porn in the other crewmates' lockers. But it was only a matter of time before the film had its desired effect on me too, and I thought, "When in Rome!"**

***

**_Though Lister was happily on display for anyone and everyone, Rimmer was far more discreet as he rummaged in his unzipped trousers for his penis. As with life in general, he was organised and whipped out a stationed tissue from his top pocket, ready for ejaculation. Satisfied he was ready for all inevitabilities, he began, allowing the groans and gasps echoing from the speakers around him to coax him on and set the rhythm. Four or so rows ahead, he could hear Lister finishing up and Rimmer found his rhythm change from the screen groans to Lister's._ **

**_Everything around him became fuzzy and insignificant as he stroked and grew absorbed with himself. Himself and Lister._ **

**_He leant back against the seat and arched his back as his pace quickened. He imagined his hand wasn't his own. It belonged to a woman from the film. She was gripping it tightly at the base and allowing her soft-skinned fingers to massage their way up and down._ **

**_Then he felt another hand wrap around his and the sensation was so thrilling and new to him he couldn't contain himself. He jerked forward and grabbed his tissue feverishly. He made it just in time. "Didn't think I was that good," Lister laughed at the grunting, weary Rimmer._ **

**_"You... you utter..."_ **

**_"Oh, calm down Rimmer, it was a joke!" Lister laughed some more and his folded arms bounced heartily on his chest. "In your dreams, Rimmer."_ **

**_Yes, thought Rimmer bitterly. Just before he'd felt that hand, the beautiful women in his mind had changed. Her moans had become Lister's moans. Her face had become Lister's face. And as if by magic, her hand had become Lister's hand. He was going crazy, he was sure._ **


	7. Infinite Instant

**Awakening to this present instant, we realise the infinite is in the finite of each instant. - _Zen saying_**

**_The moment was pushed out of Rimmer's mind for the rest of the day as he tried to carry on with his normal tasks. But it kept its foot in the door and pushed its way back into his forethoughts frequently. Lister had laughed the whole thing off, telling Rimmer not to be so uptight. It was a prank and no more. But what if I hadn't come just then, thought Rimmer as he adjusted the flight co-ordinates to prevent them flying into an asteroid belt that Holly had assumed were crumbs on the scanner. How far would Lister go for a laugh? Rimmer was soon to find out._**

**_Later, upon discovering that Lister had been nosing through his diary again, Rimmer decided to go and give Lister a matching black eye. Luckily he'd written nothing so far of the incident in the cinema earlier that day and how shaken he had been by his reaction to Lister's warm touch, but there were many other secret, private thoughts he'd rather Lister didn't giggle over along with the Cat and Kryten. He passed the Cat in the hallway and when asked where Lister was he announced in a load caterwaul that he was too busy looking for lady cats to know where gerbil-features was. Rimmer had a sneaking suspicion that Lister was back in the cinema._ **

**_Rimmer's suspicions were verified and Lister was in his favourite seat in the third row from the front watching "Poke-womon"._ **

**_"I'll get him at his own game," Rimmer said and chuckled impishly. He crept down in the darkness and Lister was too fully engrossed in the adventures of Ashley Ketchim and her Poke-womon, Pikachunaked, to notice Rimmer tiptoeing behind him. Rimmer's hand shot out and grabbed Lister's arm._ **

**_"Smeg!" he shrieked and almost knocked Rimmer against the wall with his kung-fu reflex. "What're you doing?"_ **

**_Rimmer tsked, "Oh, so it's funny when you do it?" He sat down next to Lister, enjoying that he'd ruined the film for him. Lister blushed, thankful for the darkness hiding his crimson face and other parts. "Look, I don't get much time to meself for this sort of thing, can you just go?"_ **

**_"Lister, you're one of four crewmembers on a ship ten miles long. How can you never be alone?"_ **

**_"Look can you just leave me so I can... sort myself out? I'll get ball ache otherwise."_ **

**_"Don't let me stop you." Rimmer stayed where he was. Lister could only get out by either climbing over him, or by trying to squeeze between the other seat in the other direction, with a hard-on in the way. He accepted Rimmer's challenge._ **

**_"Alright," he said and carried on._ **

**_"What're you doing?!" Rimmer gasped in disbelief at Lister's total disregard and tried to pull Lister's hand away. Lister grinned at him as they grappled for custody over his hands. Rimmer finally had them both in his clutches but found himself to be balancing on one leg on his chair and he wobbled forward landing on Lister. They fell backwards together onto the floor and Rimmer rubbed his sore head, blessing the day Kryten was found. He didn't fancy the idea of stale popcorn and Pepsi in his hair. He felt Lister's erection against his leg and struggled to push him off._ **

**_Lister chuckled, "No no, you're under my power now, smeg-head." He rubbed his nose against Rimmer's, Eskimo-style, and a wicked thought ran through his mind. Rimmer felt the zip of his trousers move down._ **

**_"What're... Lister!" He wanted this power struggle to be over. Lister could win if he wanted; Rimmer didn't care. He wanted to get out of there before it began to feel even better than it already did._ **

**_Lister had completely forgotten revenge. He was revelling in the feel of human skin to human skin again. How long had it been since he'd felt it bar the occasional brush against the Cat's or Rimmer's hand?_ **

**_He moved his hands up underneath Rimmer's shirt and behind his back and raked his stubby-nailed fingers down. Rimmer gasped and the orgasmic screams from the film fuelled his desire as he pulled at Lister's T-shirt impatiently. He sat back to pull it off whilst Rimmer unbuttoned faster than he'd ever unbuttoned a shirt before. Lister was soon back on top of him. Lister's skin was much hotter than Rimmer's and it felt like he was burning. The same sensation as Mediterranean sun beating down on an English tourist's un-protected flesh._ **

**_Rimmer pulled his trousers and pants down to his thighs and kicked the rest away half-minded, linking his toe into the bottom of each leg and tugging them past the ankle and off the foot. Lister's shorts had already been discarded when Rimmer found him and his boxers were quickly thrown over the seat._ **

**_Lister and Rimmer groped and nuzzled and bit and felt in the dark pink glow of the screen. Each reopening of Rimmer's eyes caused him to double take at the oddity of this. In his mind he could not comprehend this to be Lister. He knew Lister was more sensitive than any self-respecting Liverpudlian would openly behave, but Lister's way of making Rimmer feel less like a fish out of water than he had with Yvonne McGruder made Rimmer feel more confident than he'd ever felt._ **

**_This was new to them both and Lister was as tentative as he when Rimmer licked Lister's neck and jaw-line before finding his way to his mouth where they finally kissed. They weren't fully aware of it but they knew it was happening and their tongues battled and Rimmer groaned when Lister brushed his penis against his._ **

**_Rimmer grabbed his arse and forced their hips closer. Lister's dreadlocks whipped back as he groaned with the sensation of their fused bodies. He reached down and stroked their dicks in unison._ **

**_"Lister I'm..." Rimmer gasped and gripped Lister tighter. He couldn't come yet. He had to last longer. It would be the ultimate embarrassment if Lister did it to him again._ **

**_The room went dark as the film ended and the list of amusing porn star names came on and Lister fumbled helplessly in the dark for Rimmer's hand._ **

**_"Help me," he whispered and slowly pulled it down to their thriving penises. He softly kissed Rimmer's other sore hand and Rimmer traced his lip like a butterfly's wing over Lister's bruised cheek. His hand trailed shyly over their touching erections and Lister guided the pace. Rimmer shuddered as he neared orgasm and groaned for Lister to stop. Lister, not one to follow any of Rimmers commands ever, quickened the pace to Rimmer's equal horror and delight._ **

**_Suddenly, Lister grabbed Rimmer's shoulders and pressed against him tightly. Rimmer realised with glee that Lister had come first and he finally relaxed and allowed his own semen to spill and for once thought, bugger it all and forget the damn tissue, as he released in the same place as Lister had between their heaving stomachs._ **

***

**It was both thrilling and disturbing, rather like seeing Margaret Thatcher on TV and thinking, "I'd do her if I had the chance." Lister is probably the closest thing I've ever had to a friend. And I shagged him. I had sex with my only friend and to top it all, my only friend is a man.**

**The film credits finished rolling and the lights came on and it was like some weird religious revelation. The moment had passed and we realised what had just happened. We were up and grabbing our clothes quicker than Bill Gates would after being caught shagging The Rock's woman. I wouldn't say Lister looked ashamed or flustered by the incident, but he had a strange expression I couldn't quite figure out. I was afraid he was going off to tell Kryten, or worse still the Cat, so I followed him out.**

**I can only pray that no one saw us scurrying down the hallway naked with our clothes bundled in our arms. He ran straight back to our room and simply said, "Can I shower first?"  
I'm not sure which was more suspicious; that he was being courteous or that he actually wanted to be within ten feet of clean water and soap. But I let him go ahead and I decided to use the shower in the room next door. When I came back he was nowhere to be seen, so I went to sleep as it was far past my normal bedtime.**

**When I woke up in the morning, Lister was fast asleep and there was a can of beer split on the floor. Obviously he fell asleep with it in his hand and then dropped it. There were splash marks on my bed covers indicating this to be so. He was making a fine job of avoiding talking about it so I was surprised to see a scribbled note on the table saying, "Wake me up around 4 for a chat".**

**Not on your Nelly, I said out loud and I screwed it up and chucked it in the bin. ******


	8. Speech Does Not Convey The Spirit

**Words cannot express things; Speech does not convey the spirit. Swayed by words, one is lost; Blocked by phrases, one is bewildered. - _Mumon_**

**_Lister woke up naturally around 5pm and was annoyed to find that Rimmer had not woken him like he had asked. He was rather hoping that nothing had changed between them, but he realised that that was hopeless now. A moment (several moments to be perfectly honest) of bad judgement had given them both a fun evening, but also an awkward air around them which was brutally evident when Lister found Rimmer in the medibay re-bandaging his hand. The moment he sensed Lister in the room, he froze in mid-wrap and the bandage reel dropped to the floor out of his slackened grip._ **

**_"Alright?" Lister asked, trying to sound casual, despite having chugged four pints of bitter before having the guts to find Rimmer for 'the talk'._ **

**_"Fine."_ **

**_"Rimmer, I want to t-"_ **

**_"Lister, it was just... one of those things. We've been cooped up in space alone for too long. That's why I hit you when you were a git and that's why... it happened. It's perfectly scientific. Prisoners do it and this is a lot like prison. Alone with people you can't stand and can't escape from and no women about. We were just bored and frustrated."_ **

**_Lister picked up the bandage that had rolled towards his feet and handed it back to Rimmer, adding as he did so, "You sound frustrated right now." Rimmer shuffled away, uncomfortable with Lister's suggestive tone. "C'mon Rimmer, I'm bored," he hinted, more sober than he cared to confess. He wanted to blame anything later on alcohol._ **

**_"You really are a sweet talker, Lister. Has it ever occurred to you I may be busy," Rimmer growled and started up some work on the computer from the previous day._ **

**_"Are you planning on labelling your underwear by colour using the hue table on Paintshop?"_ **

**_"Don't be stupid, Lister, all my underwear is white. It's your pants that have a varying degree of hue. Mostly greys and yellows." Rimmer pushed himself away from the computer knowing there was no way he was going to get any work done with Lister pestering him all day. "I'm going to go to bed," he said and then added when he saw Lister's eyes light up, "for SLEEP." Lister seemed disappointed but followed him anyway._ **

**_"We won't get caught. The Cat's having his main snooze and Kryten is washing my socks."_ **

**_"A gruelling and never-ending task, I'm sure."_ **

**_"Yeah, so, why not?"_ **

**_"Because I'm tired and because you know my only mission in life is to make you miserable," Rimmer shrugged haughtily._ **

**_Lister smiled to himself wickedly and said, "Well, that's true. Nothing you ever do for me makes me happy."_ **

**_"What's that supposed to mean?!"_ **

**_"Nothing," he replied and went into their room. He clambered up into his bunk and lay on his back with his head resting on his folded arms. He grinned at Rimmer's expression of hatred._ **

**_"Come on, what do you mean?"_ **

**_"Nuthin'. Good night, Rimmer."_ **

**_"It's only 11pm. You normally settle down for tea now. Look, I'll do it but only if..." Rimmer grinned. "Only if you take a shower first."_ **

**_"You saying I've got BO or sumthin'?"_ **

**_"No, fortunately your pores leak curry, so that's all anyone ever smells around you. But it wouldn't hurt you to be clean."_ **

**_"You're just doing this to be a smeg."_ **

**_"I can assure you, Lister, that soap is not as dangerous and evil as you may think it is. Just don't get it near your urethra. You survived last night's encounter with Mr Shower, didn't you? Now, as the highest ranking technician I order you to take a shower."_ **

**_"I'm not getting in the shower. You can't order me about even if you are the highest ranking on ship. Your little medals mean nothing out here." Rimmer hauled Lister out of his bunk and prodded and poked him towards the bathroom. "Ow, stop it!" he yelped and struggled playfully. Rimmer shoved him into the shower cubicle and switched on the water. "Hey, I've still got me kecks on."_ **

**_"Well take them off, then," said Rimmer as he reached down for Lister's shirt and lifted it over his head. Lister knew exactly where he was going with this and pulled him into the shower with him. "Lister!!! There's not enough room, you idiot!"_ **

**_"Then we'll have to stay very close together," Lister whispered against Rimmer's ear sending a shiver down his body. He wasn't sure how Lister had suddenly gotten the upper hand in this scenario but he gasped as Lister jumped out of the sprays path and turned the water on him cold and then back to hot. Rimmer shivered again and pressed against Lister and warmed up again swiftly against his skin coupled with the hot water pouring over their heads and down their chests and legs._ **

**_Lister chuckled at his half-hearted prank and reached around Rimmer's trembling back to run his hands up beneath his soaked shirt. Rimmer had already started on the cuff and bottom buttons and the shirt lifted freely from his back, though parts stubbornly clung with water against his skin. Rimmer impatiently fiddled with the last button and threw his shirt aside (a tiny voice in his head told him to pick it up and fold it neatly. Rimmer told the voice to smeg off). Lister caught some water in the palm of his hand and slicked back Rimmer's hair._ **

**_"Doesn't it ever go straight?" he said and smiled as the hairs defiantly sprang back, curled bigger and better than before._ **

**_"Shut up," Rimmer growled and his distemper was soothed away by an array of kisses from Lister as he fumbled awkwardly with Rimmer’s belt. Why did Rimmer dress so elaborately? All Lister need was a top and bottom that didn't have too many holes. Rimmer had buttons and belts and buckles and all sorts._ **

**_Lister snorted with laughter as he realised they both still had their shoes on. He knocked his off using the side of the shower and Rimmer found he could do the same as he had just untied his shoelaces and was about to put his slippers on when Lister had made the "happy" comment that had bothered him. Now Lister could bother Rimmer all he liked, for nothing was going to convince him to go back to his work. He was determined to prove he was happy-inducing._ **

**_Lister's boxers found their way to the floor and they relished their first sight of clean water in months. Rimmer pushed Lister against the wall and Lister squeaked in shock at the coldness of the tiles. The steam from their skin and breath soon warmed the walls up and Rimmer grasped at Lister's thighs and arse drawing their groins closer as if he wouldn't be satisfied until they were merged into one being. Lister obliged by pushing down Rimmer's pants and massaging his buttocks gently._ **

**_His kisses moved lower and lower and Rimmer grabbed his shoulders in fear. "Don't! I don't think I could last with that."_ **

**_"Showers are meant to be quick, eh? Don't want to be using up the weekly quota of water in one day, do we?" Lister jokingly reassured him._ **

**_"But I don't th- ...Alright, you've changed my mind," Rimmer groaned and gripped the tiles as he felt Lister's tongue and lips move further down than they'd been before. Lister certainly knew what he was doing having received both good and bad blow-jobs in his time. Rimmer had never had one, even during his once-in-a-lifetime sex experience with a woman - Yvonne McGruder seeming too light-headed at the time to concentrate on that kind of task._ **

**_Lister was making his first time an exceptional one as he experimented slowly, trying to remember the tricks and trades women had used on him. Teeth, he'd quickly and painfully learned as a teenager, were only to be used by experts who knew what they were doing and the best way to utilise them was to wrap his lips around them and keep them out of the way. It made the suction all the more thrilling. And he wasn't even going to attempt deep-throating for the time being. Rimmer seemed perfectly satisfied by his attempts now and he could save the fancier things for another time._ **

**_Rimmer's face jerked upwards as he tried not to yell out and the water gushed into his mouth and nostrils and he snorted in discomfort which was difficult to do as his mind was currently elsewhere. Remembering that he couldn't breathe water wasn't at the forefront of his mind right then and Lister thought he'd done something wrong when he heard Rimmer's gurgling yelp._ **

**_Rimmer clutched his shoulder silently urging him on and Lister's tongue found its way to his head again. He yelped again, but learning from his mistakes he kept his head down and bit into his fist._ **

**_"Shush, Kryten's not far off."_ **

**_"Kryten can join in for all I bloody care, just don't stop," whispered Rimmer, hoarsely. Lister carried on and found his hand snaking down towards his own erection and he began to stroke it fiercely to keep up. Lister was finding great difficulty in keeping the different rhythms. It was rather like playing the drums, or patting ones head and rubbing the tummy at the same time. His hands became confused and Rimmer felt the change straight away. It didn't affect him in the slightest and he felt himself coming._ **

**_He pushed Lister away and disposed of his semen into the harsh spray of water and down the drain. He sank down, fatigued, onto the cramped floor-space. Lister concentrated on his own release. Realising what was going on, Rimmer wearily coaxed himself and Lister up off the floor and gripped him in his own hands._ **

**_Lister protested, "But-"_ **

**_"I don't mind, just returning the favour." Lister nodded and Rimmer pushed him against the wall again kissing and nibbling any skin he could find. His left hand pumped Lister steadily and his right dug its fingers into Lister's arse cheek. Lister moaned and met Rimmer's kisses and bites with relish. Rimmer ducked his head down as if to start on Lister but at the last moment he drew back and shook his head._ **

**_"Some other time?" Lister asked and pulled him back by his arms. Rimmer nodded ashamedly. He was such a coward. Afraid he wouldn't be good enough as usual. Lister's earlier comment had gotten to him more than they usually did. Lister squeezed Rimmer's hand gently and placed it back on his dick and moved it up to the tip. Rimmer circled his thumb over the top and was thrilled by Lister's reaction._ **

**_Well, I suppose I can do something right, he thought and ran his tongue over Lister's lip. Lister reciprocated the kiss in spite of his dizzying head. The heat and steam made the air thick and warm and breathing was difficult enough what with the water and Rimmer's prodigy hands._ **

**_He came suddenly on himself and the hot fluid soon washed away from their sticky, united chests and they fell together exhausted on the floor. It was cramped and uncomfortable, but they managed with Lister sat with his legs brought up to his chest and Rimmer in a similar position next and opposite to him, but with his head and arms hanging over Lister's legs._ **

**_Lister reached up and smacked the shower button which turned off the water, and kicked the door open, not caring if Kryten walked by. "Tomorrow," Rimmer said as he gulped in the dry, cold air blowing in from the doorway. "I promise tomorrow." Lister didn't really hear him and snoozed contentedly in his dream state until the cold drove them both out to find warm clothing._ **


	9. What I Hope To Be

**To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but what he aspires to. - _Kahlil Gibran_**

**_Rimmer glanced over at Lister putting his shorts on. He was grinning inanely like a kid that had gotten away with nicking sweets. Rimmer hid his own smile as Lister caught his leg in the wrong leg hole and fell sideways. "Left leg in the left hole, Listy. Simple enough, even David Beckham can do it. You should have learnt it back in secondary school at the very least."_**

**_"Smeg off," said Lister, grinning ever wider. "What're you doin' for the rest of the night?"_ **

**_"Resting, most likely. I think I'll read that book. You?"_ **

**_"TV and beer."_ **

**_"Ah, a staple diet indeed," Rimmer said. He couldn't quite work out the strange atmosphere between them now. It wasn't as unsettling as before but it also didn't seem relaxed either. There was still a sense of being on edge with one another. It reminded Lister of the time he'd caught his mate's girlfriend naked. Whenever he looked at her from then on, she wasn't his mate's girlfriend. She was the girl with the Betty Boop tattoo and brown mole on the left shoulder. He saw her and saw them._ **

**_He saw Rimmer and he didn't see a smeg-head with an Oedipus complex and inferiority issues. He heard desperate moans and a face distorted by orgasm. He felt unsure but willing hands. Their relationship, or whatever it may have been before, had completely changed. Would life always be like this? Normal daily bickering broken by lustful and curious invitations._ **

**_Yes, that was the new feeling enveloping them. Somehow their passion for fighting had grown into another kind of passion. Their encounters had felt incredibly rough and primal. There wasn't the same sense of building up as there was with a woman. Their loneliness and lack of sex in the last couple of years had made them ready for action and the drop of a hat. In this case, it was the drop of a shirt._ ******

******I couldn't believe what was happening at the time. I'd never had oral sex before and Lister was mind blowing. I'm a little concerned that I may not have been his first, he was that good. When it came to my turn I just couldn't do it. I knew I would disappoint him. I don't know why I've suddenly made it my life's goal to please him but everything between us has felt like a competition. Who had the worst childhood, who had the worst jobs, who had the worst love life.** ** **

******So I just had to win at something but the very idea of going down there filled me with the dread that I wouldn't be any good. He was understanding, and we carried on as normal but I felt so guilty. I don't think I've ever felt guilty before. He had done it for me willingly and I'd turned away. I promised him I'd do it sometime. I promised myself I'd surprise him the next day.** ** **

******_Rimmer was as good as his word and when Lister returned from his curried breakfast, Rimmer was sat up in his bunk expectantly. "Erm, hi?" Lister said; dumbfounded as to why Rimmer was sat seemingly waiting for him._**** **

******_"Hello, Lister. I'm bored."_ ** ** **

******_Lister grinned, taking this for a coded language meaning 'let's get it on'. He shut the door and it wasn't long before they were tumbling naked beneath Rimmer's covers. The bunk constricted their movement greatly and Lister decided to try and convince Rimmer to, next time, move their antics to the Captain's bed. Rimmer's sense of loyalty and fear of superiors would prevent him from agreeing straight away but the advantages would eventually come to outweigh his cowardice. The others would never find them there and a big bouncy double bed offered more prospects than a tiny hole in a wall._ ** ** **

******_Lister looked at him now as he adoringly kissed him. His eyes were so much brighter and warmer than he remembered. The fluorescent light reflected in them and highlighted the flecks of green and gold in the autumn-brown iris. "Alright then, I'm ready," said Rimmer and he held his breath and made the exhilarating journey downwards._ ** ** **

******_"What's goin' on 'ere then?" said Holly as she popped onto the screen. Rimmer made a short and sharp, "Gwack!" sound as he jumped and whacked his head against the top of the bunk. "Bloody... Holly? What the smeg do you want?" he spluttered._ ** ** **

******_"Oooh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. Don't know where he's been." Lister rolled his eyes at Holly and told the wall screen to turn off and then switch to private status. "There," he said, "now she can only come on if it's an emergency."_ ** ** **

******_"Emergency, emergency. Curious computer will die if she doesn't get to watch the sexy freak show of fuck buddies - Dave and Arnie," Holly announced monotonously. A double glare attack from the two men made Holly reconsider her position. She considerately switched off and left them alone. But not before adjusting the security camera angle to face their beds._ ** ** **

********

***

**_"'Ere you'll never guess what I just saw," Holly said, her blank face hiding her true excitement. Kryten had just finished watching his one guilty pleasure - the long running soap opera 'Androids' - and was not in the mood for Holly's twittering. He had clothes to wash, sheets to fold, hairballs to clean up. The Cat moved one of said hairballs aside slyly and ignored Holly also. "I'm going off for a nap, I don't have time for your garbage," he announced before twirling and grooving out of the room._ **

**_"Lister and Rimmer in bed. Together."_ **

**_The Cat halted in mid twirl and lowered his arms from their look-at-my-sexiness position. "Say what?"_ **

**_"Yup, caught the sneaky blighters at it. You alright, Kryten? You've gone paler than normal." Kryten had indeed gone pale. His circuits had chatted together and shrugged shoulders before concluding that this was the sort of news that could kill a mechanoid like Kryten and had all agreed to shut down simultaneously, and all in seven nanoseconds. Kryten shut down and fell to the floor. "Oh bloody 'ell. I knew he'd be a little frazzled by the news but I didn't think he'd pack up like that."_ **

**_"Well, what did you expect? He's practically Lister's mom and to find out he's gay? And not just gay but gay with Rimmer? That's more than any parent could handle."_ **

**_"You seem to be handling it quite well."_ **

**_"Baby, they can be as gay as they want so long as they don't dress better than me. In fact, I encourage it - more ladies for me if you catch my drift," the Cat winked and carried on his merry way to his quarters for a nap._ **

***

**_"Calm down, Kryten," Lister urged the distraught sanitation robot. Holly had disturbed them again to report Kryten's hara-kiri act and the two disgruntled and sex-starved men had fixed Kryten only to be set upon with angered questions and bitter remarks. "Calm down?" he trilled, "calm down?! How can I be calm when you and Mr Rimmer are... doing those kinds of things. With each other! Desecrating your body with… acts of… naughtiness."_ **

**_Lister scratched the back of his head and blushed heavily, "We haven't... I mean we're not... y'know. Like that. It's a boredom thing."_ **

**_"I suppose you'll be getting the Cat to join in next,” Holly grinned. “ I'm sure his ability to lick his own crotch will come in handy."_ **

**_"Hey Rimmer, could we-?"_ **

**_"No, we could not!" Rimmer snapped furiously at Lister. And as for Kryten's allegations. He made it sound like he had led Lister astray! He was peeved that he held Lister in such a high regard. What a mechanoid's boy Lister was._ **

**_"I suppose there's nothing I can do to persuade you otherwise, Mr Lister?"_ **

**_Rimmer explained as slowly as he could for Kryten's primitive robot brain, "It's going to be this way until we find women or until you fix Rachael."_ **

**_"I'll get right on it, sir," Kryten said enthusiastically and brushed past him deliberately._ **

**_Rimmer shook his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose jadedly. "Did you see that?"_ **

**_"Yes. I saw, Rimmer."_ **

**_"He nearly knocked me over! That was on purpose!"_ **

**_"I know," Lister soothed. "Don't worry, he'll get over it when he sees it's not such a bad thing. Though he has made me think a bit."_ **

**_Rimmer paused before asking, "Think about what?"_ **

**_"How far this is going to go. What're we doing, Rimmer, and why? What happens when we do find women? What if we only find one woman?"_ **

**_"Then the man she doesn't pick will have to become reacquainted with his own hand. It's a temptation to over think this but if we do it'll be spoiled. Remember when we almost had a 'talk' about it? Well, as it turns out we didn't need a 'talk', did we?"_ **

**_"Just a very fun shower," Lister said, his boyish grin spreading across his face like melted butter. Rimmer smiled too and they agreed on gentleman's terms that words were to never be used again except in their usual friendly insult matches._ **

**I don't know why, but in that moment I forgot all about my contempt for every other living thing. I'd found someone willing to share my life. To talk and play games with. To banter with and tease. Lister doesn't judge me like the others do. Even though Kryten has now forgiven me and accepted our ways, he still calls me a "Smeeeeee".**

**Lister calls me names and takes the mickey, like all friends do. But he senses a human being inside me who's considerate and loving. I'm not sure where he is or if he even exists but if Lister believes in him then so do I. Lister has a way of making good things eventually happen for him. I hope I'm a good thing. I really do.**


	10. Revisited Past

**Like a dream,  
Whatever I enjoy   
Will become a memory;   
The past is not revisited. - **_Shantideva_

Lister looked up from the diary, almost afraid of Rimmer's reaction. His dark eyes met with Rimmer's and they were finally the colour he remembered.

An autumn forest colour where the brown leaves danced together before meeting the cool green floor; Their dying moments spent in a display of optimistic joy. "I'll be back, better than ever!" they sing and twirl and sang did Rimmer's eyes. They were back though they died a long time ago. The green flickered amongst the dull brown and brought animation back to his face.

Rimmer stared at Lister. The same old cheekily sanguine grin he thought he'd known so well and now he found that he hardly knew him at all. Lister was a stranger. A stranger he had to know more about. 

"How? Sh... show me."

"Eh?" Lister's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. Show him what?

Rimmer looked down and repeated softly, "Show me..." Lister suddenly realised what Rimmer meant and commanded the doors to lock.

"You sure?"

"I have to know what I've missed. Just for once Lister, do something for me without asking why."

Lister nodded and scratched the back of his head, "I'm not used to making a performance out of it."

"I'm not asking you to do it in front of a Welsh choir, for smeg's sake! It's me. Only me," Rimmer said and his voice became hushed at the last two words. His eyes lowered in a mixture of mortification and wariness of how his life had been in this time. How different he seemed. He knew he wouldn't have done any of it if he hadn't wanted to. But the notion that he had wanted to was bizarre. He had to know Lister's secret. How he made Rimmer act that way so unlike how he ever imagined he could act.

Lister moved down to the floor and Rimmer sat opposite. Carefully, and almost coyly, Lister moved down into his trousers. Simply reading their previous encounters had encouraged and stimulated him and he could feel there was little work he'd have to do. He had to make it a decent show for Rimmer and he lay back against the floor letting the cold hinder his erection slightly.

His hand caressed his dick firmly and Rimmer was immediately mesmerised by it all. He leant forward and stood on all fours over Lister's trembling body. Lister's face contorted with pleasure and Rimmer desperately wished to be a part of it. To feel Lister's quivering lip against his. He lay into Lister's own form and sighed as his body disappeared within his. Lister suddenly bucked and made a sharp, high-pitched sound.

"What the smeg is that?" he panted excitedly. "That was great!" Rimmer stared at him in confusion for a few seconds and then he realised what Lister had discovered. The light bee that danced and quavered inside of him and projected his image had brushed up against him in a sensitive part. Rimmer lifted his body up with his arms and thrust his hips aiming where he thought his light bee should be against Lister. The effect was astonishing as Lister growled in the back of his throat. He lowered his hips and the light bee shinnied down Lister's length and vibrated against his balls. "Smeg, Rimmer, that's..." Lister's sentence was cut short by another growl. 

Rimmer toyed with Lister by moving the light bee away and back again whenever he felt like it and there was no way Lister could pull him back. He was totally at his mercy and Rimmer had very little of it. Lister thrashed and flailed weakly until Rimmer decided to be kind and unleashed the full force of the light bee. Lister came thankfully and fell back against the floor wearier than he'd ever been before. This hologram thing wasn't going to be as bad as he thought it would be.

Rimmer flopped down next to him and Lister nuzzled against the thin air where Rimmer's holographic form lay.

"This is just an occasional thing right? Until we find other humans, women and such. Just something to pass the time," Rimmer asked.

"Sure, Rimmer. Just a boredom thing."

***

Two days ago...

Lister and Rimmer stared out of the observatory at the stars and planets unimaginably far away and enjoyed the comfortable silence between them. Their friendship had grown to a state where words were never needed and a simple shift in body or a quickening of breathing spoke volumes in a moment that a page of words could never explain. They could read almost any feeling but Lister felt compelled right then to tell Rimmer something that he was sure Rimmer had not considered. 

Something he hoped he wouldn't be ridiculed for.

"Rimmer, will be ever get back to Earth?" Rimmer's first instinct was to laugh at Lister, but the plaintiveness in his voice struck Rimmer deeply and his stomach felt unpleasantly hot and sickly from empathy. He couldn't lie and say they would but to say no would be mean, and Rimmer had long ago lost the urge to make Lister's every waking moment miserable.

"I don't know."

Lister felt certain that Rimmer was on his side now, and hoped his next statement wouldn't land him a smack in the mouth, "Rimmer, I think I'm in lo-"

"Mr Lister, Mr Rimmer! I've just discovered something amazing whilst developing some photos." Lister started with fright and laughed in embarrassment at himself and told Kryten they'd be right down.

"Now, go on, Lister. What were you saying?"

Lister stared into Rimmers eyes twinkling 'neath the light of a trillion stars. They were confused by Lister's reddened face and earnest with concern. "Nah, nuthin' man. It can wait."  
He could wait.

**That which I am, and the way that I am... I offer it all to you. - _'The Cloud of Unknowing'_**


End file.
